The View From Here – Dear Younger Me

I love Facebook memories sometimes.  They take us back to a period in time and we see how much we have grown and changed.  This picture takes me back over 20 years.  At a Garth Brooks concert.  1996.  The “olden days”. (smile)  When I had much longer hair.  And a waist.  (smile)

Six years after I lost half my family in a car accident.  I was a single mom and had a five year old at home at the time and had just started working in radio.  A country station.  Evenings and weekends.  Working my way up.  And I was just months away from meeting my future husband.  I just didn’t know it yet.

Isn’t it strange to look back on old pictures knowing NOW what you didn’t know then?

If you could go back in time and have a conversation with your younger self, what would you say?

I remember feeling a bit lost in those days.   A bit numb to life, but still looking for the joy.   Losing people you love is incredibly hard and sometimes we get by, by ignoring it.  That’s how we cope.  It’s how we survive.  And it works.  For a little while.  We focus so much on putting one foot in front of the other we don’t take the time we need to heal from the brokenness.  We avoid.  We bury the feelings that might otherwise destroy us if we let them out.  We keep it to ourselves because it feels easier that way.

I would tell that 20 something girl to talk to someone about the grief because in twenty years, that stock pile of emotions is going to come roaring to the surface and you won’t know what to do with it.  And people you pushed away for fear they would remind you of what was lost will be gone and you’ll regret not embracing them and their stories and love.

I would tell her to never stop talking about them.  The family that was lost.  I would tell her to believe in herself enough to stand up for herself.  I would tell her to forgive herself for things that happened TO her that were not caused by her, that were not her fault.  I would tell her to stop expecting the world to let you down and to let people in for more than a minute.  I would tell her she was smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, good enough and to stop searching and comparing and blaming and fault finding.

Lots of thoughts and emotions to come from a picture from 26 years ago.  Proof that you can be smiling in the moment on the outside, and on the inside not really be okay with yourself, your life and your situation.

I had a therapy session a while ago and the assignment was to write letters to my younger self.  I think back on who I was before life got heavy and dark and tragedy struck and as much as I’d like to protect that little girl from what was going to come her way, I know that it’s those things that have shaped me.  It’s ALL those things combined that brought me HERE to who I am right now.  And I’m learning to like this girl now.  I’m learning to appreciate what I’ve been through, even if I didn’t always handle it the way I should.  I’m learning, and growing every day.

It took me a long time to get to this point, but I realized that I could no longer keep things to myself.   It was getting too heavy a load.  These last two years have forced me to take inventory on my life.  What I’ve been through.  What I never dealt with.  So I reached out.  I got myself some help.  I’ve opened up about a LOT of that stuff I had buried and had weighing me down and it’s been the greatest gift I could give myself because it has brought so much healing in my life.

That 25 year old me in the picture, went through a crap load of stuff to get to the 50 year old me sitting here today, writing and sharing this with you.

We all have a story.  We all have stuff that we go through.  What would you tell your younger self that might help who you are today?

You’re enough.  You’re good enough.  You’re strong.  You’re brave.   And you will get through it ALL.  Don’t stop believing in who you are.  Don’t listen to those who judge and criticize.  You are enough and you will overcome.  Keep loving and forgiving and believing and you will be okay.  You are loved more than you realize.  You can be a light in the darkness.  You can help others and will just by sharing your story.  Don’t stop believing in what is good and don’t stop smiling.

Love, me.

cbuchanan@blackburnmedia.ca

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This post was written by Carrie Buchanan