The View From Here -I Know I Don’t NEED This… But –

I have to go to the grocery store.  But I don’t WANT to go to the grocery store.

I had to go to the drug store even though I didn’t WANT to have to go.

My daughter has allergies, and needs something in liquid form.  She just can’t take pills.  She’s been suffering a lot these last few days.  Like so many others.  Allergy season is rough.

She also wants to colour her hair for her upcoming birthday. “Can’t wait to celebrate my quarantine birthday” she laughs, sarcastically. Her birthday is on Sunday.

She’s going to be 14.  She wanted to do something fun for her birthday.  She actually wanted a weekend trip to a trampoline park.  Instead she gets uninterrupted quality time with the fam.  She is THRILLED.  (smile)

I have to be honest, I miss it.  It used to be so normal to just run to the store for anything.  On a whim, you could hop in the car and go.  For hair colour, or a sweet snack, or whatever.

Now, the thought of going out anywhere anymore creates a great deal of anxiety in me.  And it’s more than just “the virus”.  It’s judgement.

Anybody else feel like they are justifying or apologizing for whatever they buy?  No matter what it is?

I was out today for the allergy medication, and the woman in line ahead of me (six feet away) put her stuff on the counter, looked at the cashier, and looked at me,  and apologized.  Like us Canadians are so good at.  “I know I don’t NEED this … BUT”

I smiled at her and felt so relieved that I wasn’t the only one who felt that way too.  I told her she wasn’t the only one. I do it too.  A LOT.  And she looked relieved too.  And the cashier smiled and said she really doesn’t mind what people are buying as long as people aren’t rude.

It was a moment of connection and normalcy and it felt good.

Because I have been so scared to go out.  Scared to buy anything.  Scared of what people are thinking.  Every item I grab off the shelf I think to myself “Is this ESSENTIAL?”  Do I NEED to be here right now?

I love to feed my birds.  It’s the highlight of my day when it’s warmer, to sit outside in the morning, cup of coffee in hand, and watch as the birds come to the feeder.  Cardinals are my favourite.

I’m out of bird seed.

So I ask myself the question.  “Is this essential?”  “What will people think if I go to the pet store for bird seed?”  Do I NEED it?

I hate the mind games this virus is playing with us.  Everything is a question.  Just because it makes me HAPPY does that mean I should still buy it?

It’s completely changing my shopping habits.  I’m questioning everything and it makes me wonder if the habits I’m changing now, will change for the long term.

Will what we once thought as important or essential BEFORE this, still seem so important?

I think of all the times I used to just go to the store to “look”.  For something. Anything.  Going to the store for one small thing and coming home with two bags of stuff I KNOW I didn’t need.

This is changing that for me for sure.

I don’t browse the stores or go just to look anymore.

I don’t change my dinner plans on a whim and go find something else to eat because I don’t “feel like” what I had planned.

I make use of all that I have in my cupboards.   I use all the leftovers and don’t throw ANYTHING away anymore.  I’m more conscious of waste.

Every trip to the grocery store is like a game.  Make a list.  Be determined and focused as you get through the store.  Like a game of Mission Impossible.

I miss browsing.  My bank account doesn’t mind that I can’t.

So much of my time was wasted “just looking”.

© Can Stock Photo / AOosthuizen

Categorised in: Afternoons

This post was written by Carrie Buchanan