The View From Here – What Is Wrong With Me?

I consider myself a positive person – but this living in a covid world has been a challenge!  Most of the time, I’m feeling okay.  But, anybody else struggling more than ever right now?

Feeling these past few days have been harder than you’d expect? Despite the new freedoms?  You can get a haircut, wander the mall, have drinks or a meal at one of the many outdoor patios.  BUT….

You still have to follow all the safety guidelines in place. We’re still talking to cashiers through plexiglass.  We’re still following footsteps and directional arrows in the stores.  Sometimes I don’t even do it that well.  Or I worry too much about going the wrong way and upsetting someone.  I don’t intend to break the rules.  I’m just trying to get what’s on my list.

It’s like a game – and someone else is rolling the dice.

My heart is enjoying the new freedoms, but my head is saying “woah, wait – this isn’t over and this isn’t normal.”

It feels weird to see people outside again.  Gathered under tents, in parking lots, enjoying the new and old outdoor patios.  A reminder of how much we missed it.

I saw someone I knew on the weekend,  we passed each other in a parking lot, and I almost forgot how to interact.  A co-worker I hadn’t seen face to face since March.  Strange.

The idea of being back in the world, with people, seems odd.  I feel like I forget how to have a conversation.

I had a moment this weekend, where I just stopped and cried.  When my husband asked why, I didn’t even have an answer.  I couldn’t pinpoint one thing that caused it.

It was nothing and it was everything.

My daughters were both OUT of the house this weekend at the same time.  Each got the chance to see a friend they haven’t seen in months.  Social circles expanding.  Bubble friends.  My husband was in the basement working on something, and I had a moment of “I’m alone,” and I HATED it.  I know we’ve quarantined with our family, and that has been challenging.  But I didn’t want to be away from them.  Strange isn’t it?

Adjusting to this new reality, with masks and plexiglass, and directional arrows.  Waiting in line to get into a store.  Not being able to hug everyone you see.  Thinking about everything you do, before you do it.  Shopping used to be spontaneous.   Everything feels amplified in this new covid world.  Everyday problems seem to weigh heavier.   I miss “the good ole days”.

The things I enjoyed I don’t have the motivation to get back to.  My scrapbook room has been replaced by my home office and on air studio.  My equipment takes up my creative space.  My scrapbooks have been put on hold.  So I say.  Truth is, I collect more stickers and papers than anything.

Working from home has been a bigger challenge than I expected.  I miss chats around the coffee maker in the workplace.  Discussing leftovers and recipes.  Best shows to binge watch. Trying to figure out who took your last yogurt from the office fridge. (smile).  It’s easy to be distracted by loads of laundry, kids Google meets, and the kitchen that keeps calling my name.

Even my gardens this year are lacking.  I normally plant all kinds of veggies – this year – one tomato plant and some green beans.  Even my strawberries look like they gave up trying to grow., and what IS growing is being eaten by the cutest little baby bunny I’ve ever seen.  How can I be mad at that cuteness?

I found an article online that sums up how people are feeling.  It’s everything.  It’s nothing.  All at the same time.  And even if it was written at the beginning of this pandemic, I think it still applies.  Some days we’re up.  Some days we’re sitting in a lawn chair, and don’t know what’s wrong and why we’re crying. Some days we’re cleaning and organizing.  Other days we’re looking for our phone that’s in our hands.

It’s been a long road, and I think a lot of us are tired.  And just want it to be over.

We’re getting there.  There’s a lot of happy people out in their social circles, waiting in line for a haircut or a spot on the patio.

Keep sharing and letting me know how you’re doing and feeling.

Categorised in: Afternoons

This post was written by Carrie Buchanan